I wanted to share discoveries that I’ve made about new thinking regarding praising kids. When I became a dad and as my kids started communicating, I did what I think most parents do, which is praise my kids for being inherently great and smart.  I would praise them early and often, thinking that it would make them even better people down the road.  I wanted them to experience my love for them as well as confidence in themselves by knowing they were smart and destined for success.  It was all the normal stuff like “you’re great, you’re smart, you’re the best”, etc.  And then, a few years ago, my father-in-law shared with me a thought-provoking article from Stanford alumni magazine that described the work of psychology professor and researcher Carol Dweck. The article is all about Dweck’s remarkable research into mindsets that kids (and adults) can develop or don’t develop that are directly related to their performance in school and other places, and directly impacts their ability to fully live up to their potential.

One startling discovery of the research is the impact of praise.  Without going into all the details of the research – read the article for a taste of that – the basic premise is that praising and reinforcing a child for being inherently smart tends to produce a mindset in them that limits their ability to take risks and try things where they may fail – it creates a “fixed” mindset that a person is as good a performer as the intelligence they’re born with.  However, praising kids for their effort, the creativity of their process and their willingness to learn and experiment creates a “growth” mindset in them, with freedom to learn and develop new intelligence along the way as they figure the world out.  Interesting premise, and well-supported by Dweck’s extensive and innovative research in the New York school systems.  Soon after, I came across another worthwhile article in New York Magazine by Po Bronson, who writes more about his engagement with Dweck’s approach and the ups-and-downs with implementing this new thinking (I found that they mirrored my own challenges).

I’ve mostly had some great experiences with all of this along the way, especially in encouraging and coaching my kids in areas that were initially difficult for them, and praising them for engaging in the challenge and finding joy in the journey.  As an example, my son recently announced to me from the back seat on the way home from his tennis class that “the way to be really good at tennis is to enjoy practicing until you get it”.  (Now we actually found a tennis teacher who is fairly unstructured in his approach and brings out the joy of learning the game, but this was a revealing announcement nonetheless).  I’m ultimately trying to teach the kids that it’s not the most important thing in the world to be naturally good at something right away, but far more rewarding in the long run to stay engaged with a challenge and enjoy figuring it out.  As a family, we’re always trying to create games and challenges together and loving the journey of learning along the way.

ASH
Contributing Writer
Active Learner for Life
Dad of Two